Lie 8: "All men struggle with X"

Many of us have experienced accountability gone wrong. A group of men meet regularly to talk about their struggle with pornography. The first guy raises his hand and admits to failing this week. The second guy does the same. As the circle gets completed the batting average is identical. There is not a single testimony of success. When this happens, something disturbing often occurs. Rather than men repenting of their sin, their sin is subtly affirmed. If everyone is struggling with lust, the thought surfaces that maybe lust isn’t that bad after all. Guys walk away from the meeting feeling much better about themselves, but entirely for the wrong reason. No authentic transaction with the cross has occurred. Sin has not been rejected; it has been normalized.

Men need the X-ray vision to see straight through this pattern of deception. Joining a crowd to lynch a man is no better than committing an act of individual murder. There is no safety in numbers when it comes to sin. There is no place to hide. The Bible is clear that each of us will face a personal judgment. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5:10, ‘For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.’ To resist sin, we must always have this judgment in view.

Likewise, to combat the normalization of sin, men must keep in mind that our model of righteousness is not our peer-group, but the person of Jesus. Although we may never attain to His absolute purity, we can never be content with anything less. It is, after all, to His image that we are being conformed (cf. Rom. 8:29). Jesus is the standard of holiness in heaven; He is also the standard of holiness on earth. We cannot permit an attitude of indifference to blind us from this truth.

Lie 7: "There is no hook in the bait."

In the US it is not uncommon to see a commercial on TV for some new drug that promises to heal a frustrating disease such as psoriasis or rheumatoid arthritis. After mentioning the positive benefits and likelihood of success, the advertisement goes on to list all of the risks and potential side effects associated with the treatment. Typically, this list of potential cancers and major organ malfunctions is narrated while the camera drifts to children laughing on swings and a dad playing fetch with a golden retriever. What is the logic of the marketing? Drug manufacturers want their audience to focus on the good, the bait, while ignoring the danger, the hook.

Satan attempts to do something similar with sin. He advertises the pleasure and momentary relief of sin, but hides the fact that the wages of sin are always death. To outsmart the devil, Christians need to identify the hook in temptation. They need to understand that there is more hope of getting enjoyment out of a poisonous mushroom than getting any lasting comfort from sin. The river of pleasure ebbs from the feet of the Most High. To look for satisfaction anywhere other than God – especially in a direction that is opposed to God – is as useless as traveling to a desert in search of water. Only a negligent heart would forget this truth.

Lies that feed sin Part 6: "Repentance is easy."

Anyone who believes that repentance is easy has never actually repented. The heart is made of a quick-drying cement that hardens in an instant but takes hours, days – sometimes years – to break. Recognizing this, no one is more foolish than the person who goes into a sin thinking that he can quickly find his way back out again.

There is an old Greek story about a wicked king, Minos of Crete, who built a labyrinth so intricate that no one could escape from it. To make matters worse, Minos put a man-eating Minotaur in the midst of the labyrinth that was always hungry – and searching – for food. This story provides a sobering picture of the reality of sin. Getting into a sinful pattern of behavior is as easy as making a credit card transaction. Getting out of a sinful pattern of behavior is as difficult as escaping from a cruel and bewildering maze.

In view of this, Christians should take care whenever they hear the voice of Satan whispering, ‘You can always repent afterwards.’ We must remember that Satan’s objective is not to maim, but to kill. He wants to lure us into a maze that will confuse, disorient, depress, and if possible, incapacitate us. Knowing this, we should no more play with temptation than we would play with a pit-viper. Repentance may be free, but it is not easy.

Lies that feed sin Part 5: "I can manage my sin."

During the Cold War, the US government’s policy toward communism was one of containment. The United States had no strategy for eliminating communism; the goal, rather, was to restrict its spread. Many Christians have a similar policy toward sin. Rather than take up the New Testament call to ‘put to death the deeds of the body’ (Rom. 8:13), they are happy to cohabit with sin so long as its growth is limited. The problem is that sin is a power that refuses to be contained. To attempt to make peace with a known sin is like negotiating with a terrorist group. The only peace terrorists are interested in is the peace of fear, subjection, and conquest. So it is with sin.

A classic case study of such naivety is seen in the life of David. David thought that he could manage the sinful passion of lust. He could have an affair with a neighbor’s wife while controlling the collateral damage. He quickly learned otherwise. Before David could catch his breath, adultery was producing deceit, which was producing murder, which was producing a callous and indifferent pride. One sin led to another with the spontaneity and speed of a falling train of dominoes. Although, in the end, David’s sin was fully forgiven, the consequences were not mopped up without residue. Bitter side effects of a single choice continued to plague David for years to come.

Men need to ponder the warning of David’s fall. Sin is not something to be managed; it is something to be killed. This is a truth that we neglect to our peril. And the sooner we kill sin, the better, because the longer we wait, the more difficult the process will be to pick up the pieces of the life we have shattered.

Lies that feed sin Part 4: "My sin is my savior."

Part of the psychology of addiction is that an addict cannot imagine a different existence for himself. The problem is not simply one of despair; it is one of dependency. The insightful writer Gabor Mate defines addiction as follows: ‘any repeated behavior, substance related or not, in which a person feels compelled to persist, regardless of its negative impact on his life and the lives of others.’ The word compelled is of particular interest here. Addictive behavior is driven by a sense of need.

The addict sincerely believes that he cannot cope without a particular substance or behavior. The above paragraph could be rewritten substituting the word sin for addiction. Both are subject to the same lie. Sin desires to drive us into a posture of submission and dependency. It wants us to believe that if we stopped a specific behavior, then we would no longer be able to endure life.

This, of course, is deception of the worst kind. Living water is not found in porn, or drunkenness, or binge eating, or self-harm. It is found in Jesus, the fountain of eternal life. Threatened by the fear that we will die of thirst without our secret sin, we need to hear afresh the invitation of Christ: ‘If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. He who believes in me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water’ (John 7:37-38). It is only Christ that can bring deep and enduring satisfaction to our souls. Any voice that suggests otherwise needs to be identified as a puppet of Satan and resisted with the vigilance that Odysseus resisted the Sirens on his journey back to Ithaca.

Lies That Feed Sin Part 3: "I could do worse."

Men often try to dilute the evil of sin by comparing what has been done with what could have been done. Pornography does not feel like a flagrant foul if juxtaposed against a more public sin like adultery. Set beside physical violence, verbal abuse is trifling. Slothfulness and gluttony at home are much slighter offenses than getting drunk at a bar or experimenting with illegal substances – at least so we tell ourselves. This logic needs to be exposed for what it is, ridiculous. The measure of a sin is never how far it is from the basement of Hell, but how far it is from the ceiling of heaven. God did not say, ‘Be better than thy neighbor.’ He said, ‘Be holy for I am holy’ (cf. Lev. 19:2, 1 Pet. 1:16).

Here is a question worth pondering: Why did Israel struggle incessantly, repeatedly, and uniformly with idolatry? The answer is because idolatry felt normal. Never in the history of the world, until Sinai, had anyone said that making idols was wrong. Every culture adjacent to Israel made use of idols. Carved images were as ubiquitous in the Ancient Near East as smart phones are in America. Therefore, since idol worship did not feel evil, a lot of Israelites made the mistake of thinking that idol worship was not evil. They confused feeling for truth.

This confusion was not accidental. It was part of a sinister plan hatched by Satan, a strategy he is still employing today. Satan loves nothing more than to dilute the shame of sin, to numb its discomfort, and to erase its boundaries so that God’s own people begin to accuse Him of being legalistic. Kierkegaard says, ‘Most people believe that the Christian commandments are intentionally a little too severe – like putting the clock on half an hour to make sure of not being late in the morning.’ But God’s wisdom is not high-strung. It is exact and purposeful. To doubt the judgment of the Almighty is to play into the hand of a diabolical strategy. Satan would like nothing more than for men to think they are doing God a favor by choosing a minor offense rather than a major one. This would be a double-win for Satan. Not only would a sinful action itself be chosen, but an undetected attitude of indifference would darken the mind. Men would take one step forward along the path of not caring about their sin.

Lies That Feed Sin Part 2: "I can linger at the doorstep of sin."

Willpower is weak. No man should rely upon it except as a last resort. In most cases, people who appear to have an inflexible will in fact have something altogether different. They have wisdom. Avoiding temptation is always easier than resisting temptation.

Any man who finds himself loitering at the door of sin needs to remember the story of Alypius, Augustine’s youthful companion. Alypius was known and regarded for his purity. Unlike most other young men in Rome at the time, he refused to go and watch the gladiator fights in the Colosseum. Yet, one day a group of friends badgered Alypius into stepping into the magnificent arena. Alypius consented with one condition: He said that he would sit in the arena, but he would not open his eyes. He lived up to his word – for a while, but then something happened. Tens of thousands of spectators erupted with cheers. As quickly as Alypius’ eyes slipped open, something else slipped in. A lust for bloodshed rushed into his heart. Before he knew what was going on, he was high fiving friends and cheering on his feet.

Sadly, this moment was a turning point in Alypius’ life. From then on, he switched from being known for his purity to being known as a passionate recruiter, pulling in other friends to go and see the Roman games.

It is worth asking the question, where did Alypius go wrong? The answer is not the moment when he opened his eyes. That was a near inevitable consequence of a prior choice. He went wrong when he consented to going into the Colosseum. At that point the game was rigged. It was only a matter of time before willpower would snap under the pressure of temptation.

Proverbs 5:8 is clear. The best way to resist sin is by avoiding the door of temptation. Only an attitude of negligence would make us think that we could window-shop without eventually making a purchase.

Lies That Feed Sin Part 1: "I am too far gone."

It is not accidental that the stories of Judas and Peter are interwoven during the trial of Jesus. In reading the stories, it is hard to calculate which of these men committed the more grievous crime. Judas handed Christ over to the authorities; however, Peter, with oaths and swearing, denied Christ three times. In the contest of ‘Whose Sin Is Uglier?’ the scales are pretty well balanced. Both men were guilty of capital offenses.

Yet, what is most startling as we set these men beside each other is not where each man begins, but where he ends. Peter found mercy and was restored as a friend of Jesus. Judas wrapped a noose of shame around his neck and broke his body on the rocks of despair.

Sin would like nothing more than for us to swallow the lie of Judas, to think that we are too far down the path of iniquity to about-face and come home. All Christians need to resist this lie like we should resist a capsule of cyanide. Before despair conceives in the mind, we need to ask the following questions: When did Jesus ever turn away a broken heart? What leper did He refuse to heal because of his defilement? Is there a single instance in the Bible of someone asking for grace and being rejected? These questions should lead us to one incontestable conclusion: If there was mercy for a dying thief on the cross, if there was forgiveness for an adulterous disciple like Peter, if a scoundrel like Paul could be lifted to the office of an apostle, then there is hope for me. I, too, can be forgiven if I relinquish my pride – and my despair – and run to the feet of Jesus.

Spiritual Friendship Part 10: You need a Friend Who is a Fullback

This is the tenth and final segment on spiritual friendship. Throughout the whole of this podcast series and set of blogposts, there has been one undiagnosed assumption that has the potential to corrupt everything that has been said. This is the assumption that spiritual friendship is a life-hack that can help me live my best life now. Or, to put things differently, it is the belief that spiritual friendship is something I can use to advance my own pre-determined agenda in life. Whether we admit the truth or not, all of us are consumers. The default settings of the modern mind are (1) to view the self as the center of the universe and (2) to view the universe as one big Amazon store that the self can use to cushion its existence.

To escape such narcissism, we need to flip the script thus far. In other words, the best way to end a series on spiritual friendship is not to think of yet another custom option that I would like select in the people around me, but rather to think of spiritual friendship as a set of virtues (moral qualities) in which I myself would like to grow. Rather than ask the question, ‘How do I find people who fit my criteria for spiritual friendship?’ we need instead to ask, ‘How do I become the kind of person who can be a spiritual friend for others around me?’  

Ancient thinkers like Aristotle and Cicero often discussed friendship as a virtue. In describing friendship in this way, they were making the point that, like courage, or self-control, or wisdom, friendship was a specific human skill that was both able to be cultivated and worthy of hard work. For them, a man did not go out into the world and shop for perfect friends like he might shop for a perfect pair of shoes. Such an attitude would be a symptom of vice, not virtue. The quest of friendship was not about picking a perfect team, but becoming a more perfect man. The key concern was this: How do I grow in the underlying aptitudes that enable me to be a friend to others while also receiving the friendship that others offer me? 

If all of this sounds a bit philosophical, here is an image to make things simpler. A lot of men view themselves as if they are the running back on a football team. Their lives are devoted to racking up as many yards and touchdowns as possible, while welcoming any good publicity and incentives that correspond to their success.

It’s easy to view spiritual friendship in this way. In the eyes of a running back, the purpose of the rest of the team is to clear the way so that ‘I’ can advance the ball as far as possible. Friends are like offensive linemen. Their job is to inspire me, support me, and help me in my march toward the endzone.

Yet, to think this way is to distort friendship. A spiritual friend is not someone who views himself as a running back, but someone who views himself as a fullback. The job of the fullback is not to rack up statistics for himself, but to do whatever he can to help others. If he can throw a block to keep the quarterback from being sacked, he takes the hit. If he can clear a hole for the running back to get through the defensive line, he lays out his body. The mindset of a fullback is not, ‘What can others do for me?’ but ‘What can I do for others?’ There is nothing consumeristic in his attitude. His job is to serve, not to be served.

Understanding this, we can appreciate why Jesus is the perfect model of the virtue of friendship. In his own words, Jesus said, ‘Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends’ (John 15:13). Jesus did not walk around Palestine looking for an ideal band of brothers. Rather, he went out to find men for whom he could model commitment, patience, and steadfast love, men for whom he could teach the nature of true friendship.

A lot of men have been listening to this podcast series with a nagging question on their minds. They have been asking, ‘How on earth do I find other men who fit the criteria of spiritual friendship?’ It’s time to recognize that this is the wrong question to ask. A better question is this: ‘How do I become the kind of man who can invite other guys into spiritual friendship?’ Don’t operate with the mindset of a running back. Instead, look for ways to be a fullback for the guys around you.

‘For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many’ (Mark 10:45).

Spiritual Friendship Part 9: You Need a Friends Who Are Load-Bearing Walls

While discussing spiritual friendship there has been one elephant in the room, which has not yet been identified or addressed – namely, the topic of marriage. A thoughtful listener of the podcast season will have felt a nagging question after each episode: what does all of this mean for my relationship with my wife? This is a question that merits reflection. It can be broken down into four related questions, each of which deserves individual treatment.

Question 1 – Should my wife be a spiritual friend?

Yes, yes, and yes. Guys who are married need to know that spiritual friendship begins with their spouses. Marriage is a unique relationship that involves in-built commitment, transparency, intimacy, and accountability. No marriage is achieving its fulfilment if it falls short of spiritual friendship. A marriage should not feel like a contractual agreement among roommates. Rather, as Paul teaches in Ephesians, a marriage should be a school in which spouses gain fluency in the lessons of agape love. How, after all, could a man love his wife as Christ loves the church without unlocking his heart to her and allowing her to explore the most intimate chambers of his heart?

Question 2 – If my wife is already a spiritual friend, do I still need other male spiritual friends?

Absolutely. No contractor would build a house with a single load-bearing wall. The structure would collapse. Equally, no wise man will build his life on one spiritual friendship. Life is too dangerous for such shortsightedness. Although the following point may not be politically correct, it is true: men relate to men differently than men relate to women. This means that men should seek out spiritual friendship with their wives while at the same time seeking out such friendships with other men.

Question 3 – Will developing spiritual friendship among men be a threat to my marriage?

Friendship is not a zero-sum game, and love is not a finite commodity. Developing spiritual friendships with men does not need to detract from a man’s relationship with his wife.

In fact, rather than being a threat to marriage, having spiritual friendships with men is a protection for marriage. This is true for two main reasons. First, there are certain temptations that are difficult to discuss with one’s spouse. Lust is a prime example of this. It will be far more helpful for a man to confess and repent of his struggle with lust among other men than to force his wife to hear every instance of such temptation.

Second, no marriage is immune from attack. Men who only invest in their wives as spiritual friends have no one to turn to when the marriage itself is under pressure and cracking. Thus, rather than seeing spiritual friendship with men as a liability to marriage, we should view it as an asset. A male spiritual friend will be able to help in that moment when I am emotionally separated from my wife due to some sinful passion or bitter argument.

What do I do if my marriage doesn’t live up to the ideals of spiritual friendship?

Everything said during this podcast series is as relevant for marriage as for spiritual friendship among men. Go back through the episodes, but with a shift in perspective. Rather than listening to think about applications for your band of brothers, think instead of applications for your marriage.

Yet, more than anything else, ponder the following point: you will only get out of your marriage what you put into your marriage. Spiritual friendship does not emerge haphazardly. If you want to deepen your relationship with your wife, think strategically and make sacrifices. Never forget that your wife is your first and most important spiritual friend. Invest in that relationship and the reward will be incalculable.

Spiritual Friendship Part 8: You Need a Friend Who is Your Spare Ticket

Let’s confront a bias regarding spiritual friendship. Deep down, most of us assume that spiritual friends are boring people. As soon as we hear the label, we think of pious members of an adult Sunday school class who look as if they came from the same litter as Mr. Rogers. Such people amaze us for their spiritual discipline, knowledge of the Bible, and commitment to holiness. There is just one problem: They aren’t much fun. It’s one thing to each chicken tetrazzini with them during a church potluck. But, given a spare ticket, who would think of inviting them to a big game?

We need to overcome this bias. The truth is that a spiritual friend ought to be someone that you can laugh with, someone you can cry with, and someone you would choose to invite on a long drive.  

Let’s start with laughter. Laughter is a unique tool that God has given human beings. It does two things. First, it glues individual hearts into a community. The more a random set of people laugh together, the closer they will feel. There is nothing like a few jokes to shake off the awkwardness of being strangers and to launch the process of becoming friends.

But, second, humor is a file that smooths the sharp edges of pride. There is a reason why men engage in so much banter. One of the great threats to group cohesion is a sense of superiority. The feeling that I-am-better-than-you risks upsetting the level ground that is the basis of friendship. What humor does is to cut down the pedestals that men might use to look down on their friends. Thus, when a guy gets made fun of for being too intellectual, or caring too much about his looks, what the group is really doing is cutting him back down to size. They are sending him a reminder that, to be a part of this group, no one is allowed to take himself too seriously.

Yet, a spiritual friend should also be someone you can cry with – or at least someone with whom you can be honest about suffering and pain. The problem with Mr. Rogers is not just that he seems too pious to enjoy a joke; it is equally that he seems too childish to empathize with acute pain. Spiritual friends are not grown-ups pretending to be children. Life is hard, and suffering is inevitable. Genuine spiritual friends are the kind of people that, on the one hand, you’d tailgate with before a championship game and, on the other, you’d choose to sit beside you while waiting to hear a gut-wrenching diagnosis. 

Finally, a real spiritual friend is someone you would choose to have beside you on a long drive. Conversation is one of the great joys of life – a prize more difficult to find than many realize. It’s easy to sit quietly and listen to the radio. It’s also easy to have inane chit chat about meaningless topics. But conversation is a special gift. In conversation, ideas are tested, avenues of thought explored, and insights gleaned. Time flies when having fun; it moves even faster when having heart-felt conversation.

So, then, is spiritual friendship boring? Not at all. The guys who are most bored are the guys who do not have spiritual friends.  

Spiritual Friendship Part 7: You Need a Friend who is a Co-Author

Here are three related needs. First, every human being has – not just a desire – but a need to be known. In the movie Avatar, the Na’vi greet one another by saying, ‘I see you.’ There is something profound in this acknowledgement. There is an irrepressible urge among people to be known by others in a deep and intimate way. Second, all of us have old, emotional wounds that need to be healed. No person can live in the fallen conditions of the present age without getting injured by the mutual exchange of one sinner bumping up against another. In 2 Corinthians, Paul refers to believers as jars of clay. The image is apt. No matter how tough we appear in public, the unavoidable truth is that we easily chip and crack. Third, all of us need help interpreting the stories of our lives. One of the peculiar features of human beings is that our identities are understood and communicated through story. No snapshot can ever do justice to the depth of a human identity. To know me, you cannot just study my present habits and preferences. The depth of my person can only be revealed in the telling of a history.

Now all three of these needs are interconnected. For me to be known, you must know my story. And, yet, often my story is bound up with past wounds that are still painful to touch. Due to touchiness, we often avoid sharing much about our past with new friends. But this leads to a further problem: emotional wounds, unlike physical wounds, are subject to interpretation. Few things are more dangerous than trusting my own eyes while reviewing the hurts and scars of the past. It is far too easy to miss the redemptive arch of a life story and instead hold the camera on moments of acute resentment and overwhelming shame. When this happens, the very part of us that most needs to be brought into the light and shared with loving friends is instead crammed into the darkness. No small portion of sinful behavior is an attempt to anesthetize festering wounds that, in fact, will never be healed until we find the courage to undress them and present them before the compassionate eyes of a friend.

It is for such reasons that all of us need a friend who is a co-author of our life story. Now the image of a co-author may raise some initial questions. Is not God the ultimate author of our lives? The answer to this question is, yes, of course. And yet one of the unique difficulties of being a Christian is trying to figure out how to weave together the bumps and bends of life into a coherent plot of steadfast love and grace. So often, what we feel to be a crisis in life is, in fact, a sudden lapse of the plotline. An event occurs that we just can’t make sense of. Somebody dies; addictive behavior sets in; a promising future disappears; someone we trusted hurts us. In these moments, the whole of a life story can suddenly feel as if it unravels. Instead of moving along a clear path like a pilgrim headed to a fixed destination, we hit a cull de sac. The human response in such times is uniform: We inevitably look back to try to figure out where a wrong turn was made.

It is for such junctures in life that we need a friend who is the co-author of our story. To make an obvious point, a friend will have a different perspective than we do. This perspective will enable him to listen carefully to the story we tell of our lives while spotting details – even themes – that were hidden from our view. What to ‘me’ might be a meaningless moment of pain may to ‘you’ take on a redemptive hue. A friend may spot an invisible hand at work in our lives, which like the fingers of a potter, is producing – not just a vessel of clay – but an ornament of glory (c.f. 2 Cor. 4:13-20).

It is through this process of unveiling myself before another that three things occur. First, I experience the joy of being ‘seen’ by another. As much as we like to wear masks before a crowd, the truth is, we all long for opportunities to be known transparently. This occurs as I share more of myself with a friend. Second, old, emotional scar tissue is broken down. Those wounds that had become nagging injuries are slowly unknotted and given time to heal. Finally, my identity is transfigured. What appeared within the narrow gaze of a lifetime to be a tragic or pointless incident is set in the light of God’s eternal purposes. A friend will help me see that, when God is Author, no detail is wasted. Even if all pain does not subside in the present, hope is left intact. God’s faithfulness remains. With the help of a co-author, I can weave grace and hope within a still unfolding story. A friend can help me believe that, when looking back on the past from the height of God’s throne, my soul will give testimony to a transcendent theme: ‘All things work together for good for those who love God’ (Romans 8:28).

Spiritual Friendship Part 6: Men, You Need a Friend Who is in a Crow's Nest

A Jordan Peterson comment caught my eye last week. It begins with a question: ‘What do you want to tell a young person?’ Option 1 is the following: ‘You’re 17 years old. You’re okay the way you are.’ Option 2 is this: ‘No, you’re not. You’ve got 60 more years to be better, and you could be way better.’ For many, the second response is abrasive. It almost sounds hurtful. That, of course, is part of the point being made by Peterson. One of the problems with our culture is that we are obsessed with affirmation. We have mistaken affirmation for love. We have come to believe that the only way to love someone is by constantly endorsing their decisions and validating their character. But, in truth, this is not love at all. Of course, as human beings we need a baseline of affirmation. We need someone who does indeed confirm to us that our persons have worth and dignity. Yet, real friendship demands that we love the latent potential of the self even more than the bare existence of the self. A real friend is someone who not only sees who I am, but who I have potential to be, someone who has the courage and resolve to assists the process by which a better ‘me’ comes into being.

In the premodern world, people thought more carefully about friendship than we do today. Thinkers like Aristotle and Cicero took time to identify different types of friendship so that their disciples could understand how friendship connected to the good life. The highest form of friendship that they described was friendship based on the pursuit of excellence. This was a unique type of relationship whereby people banded together, not simply to have fun, or get a project done, or reminisce about the past, but in order to pursue some object of supreme worth. In a sense, such friendship was similar to the way in which two athletes might train together in order to perfect their skill in a given sport. The difference between spiritual friendship and athletics, however, is that spiritual friendship was based a horizon of fulfilment much wider and more satisfying than athletic prowess. Not a minor good (like running a 5k), but the greatest good (what people used to call ‘virtue’) was in view. Samuel Johnson, the great poet and critic of the 18th century, had such friendship in mind when he said, ‘The greatest benefit which one friend can confer upon another, is to guard, and excite, and elevate his virtues.’ Note the difference between Johnson’s understanding and the therapeutic culture of the 21st century. In Johnson’s thinking, friendship is not just a booster-shot for self-esteem. The aim of friendship is nothing less than to become a better man.

From this we can outline a critical trait of a spiritual friend. A genuine spiritual friend must be someone who has distinct kind of vision. On the one hand, this friend must be able to see the same horizon of excellence that I see. If we aren’t ultimately headed toward the same vision of the good life, we cannot help each other grow in virtue and character. But equally, this friend must have insight into my person in particular. He must see something latent in my soul that – in all likelihood – I cannot see myself. Tim Keller makes a point very similar to this while discussing spiritual friendship in the context of marriage. He says, ‘What, then, is marriage for? It is for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations God will eventually make us. The common horizon husband and wife look toward is the Throne, and the holy, spotless, and blameless nature we will have.’ This quotation can be recast in terms of spiritual friendship between Christian men. They, too, must share a vision of the Throne of God and be committed to helping one another grow into the completeness of what Keller calls ‘our future glory-selves.’

One of the distinct joys of heaven will be to see the finished product of friends that we have journeyed alongside in this life. The character that was barely visible – like a gemstone trapped in granite – will be cut and displayed so that the brilliance of God’s glory will be reflected from the distinct face of each one of His children. Keller notes the excitement we will feel at seeing this revelation. Before the Throne of God, as the mature character of each Christian is unveiled, old friends will exclaim, ‘I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you.’  

This is what spiritual camaraderie is about: catching glimpses of what God is doing in another person and committing through friendship to traveling together to the ultimate horizon of life, the Throne of God.

Spiritual Friendship Part 5: Men, You Need a Frequent Flyer

How many hours does it take to make a friend? This is a question most will struggle to answer. A study done by the University of Kansas provides clarity. The study indicates that it takes about 50 hours of time together to move from being an acquaintance to becoming a casual friend; 90 hours to shift from a casual friendship to a deeper one; and more than 200 hours to enter a stage of what might be labeled ‘close friendship.’

Now these findings raise a difficult question: how can modern guys who have jobs, families, church responsibilities, and a never ending ‘honey-do’ list find the surplus hours needed to develop close friendships with other men? The truth is that a lot of guys hunger for friendship. We watch war movies and long for the kind of camaraderie that our grandfathers experienced on the battlefield. The problem is not desire, but opportunity. It’s hard to be a part-time Uber driver for two children while also clocking the hours needed to have friends, much less spiritual friends.

Here are three bits of advice for guys who are wrestling with this question.

First, realize that not having time for friends is typically a structural problem. Let me be clear what I mean by ‘structural problem.’ A lot of guys buy into a myth of infinite energy. They think that they can always do more – that the can always squeeze one more activity onto the calendar. As a result of this self-deceit, they are always running on empty. Life is a game of trying to travel 500 miles on a tank of gas that is only intended to carry you half that distance.

This means that developing friendship is as much about taking things off the calendar as putting things on. We need to have the honesty to admit that we can’t do everything and the resolve to prioritize our lives according to what is most significant. It’s hard to think of many things in life that are more important than having spiritual friends.

Second, we need to turn off our TVs. One of the saddest aspects of modern Western life is the degree to which people are willing to substitute the real for the virtual. We sit back and tell ourselves that we don’t have 50 hours to invest in a friendship while happily binge-watching season after season of TV shows that (here is the depressing irony) celebrate the joys of friendship. Guys, ask the question: what do you want – 100 hours of watching close friendships on TV, or friendships that bear the fruits of 100 hours? You can’t have both. Choose deliberately.

Finally, learn a simple rule regarding your smartphone. Modern tech is wonderful for keeping up friendships at a distance but terrible for maintaining friendships up close. Don’t mistake sending funny texts irregularly for having conversations in-person. If you value spiritual friendship, make time to meet up in-person. There is no substitute for time spent in the presence of a close friend.

For more on this topic, listen to the frequent flyer episode of the Cross Training podcast.

Spiritual Friendship Part 4: Men, You Need a Trench Buddy

In 1947 S.L.A. ‘Slam’ Marshall published a book called Men against Fire that jarred military leadership. Marshall was a veteran of WWI and a military historian who, during WWII, interviewed thousands of men regarding their experience of combat. His basic conclusion was that the average man’s experience of battle was strikingly different from what he had expected. Men knew that combat would be frightening and that it would test the full resources of their mental, emotional, and physical energy. But battle, thought they, would be a kind of amped up version of a high school football game. Adrenalin would surge, a spirit of camaraderie would prevail, and a sense of duty would make up for a deficit of strength and courage. That was, at least, how Hollywood had presented war.

What men actually experienced was nothing like this. At the first sound of enemy fire all soldiers immediately dropped to the ground losing sight and communication with fellow comrades. Suddenly, the individual soldier felt horrifyingly alone and uncontrollably afraid. Whereas he had expected the enemy to be a plain target, in fact, the enemy was equally scared and therefore equally hidden. The most controversial aspect of Marshall’s book was his claim that, on average, only one in four soldiers ended up firing his weapon. The rest were too shocked, afraid, and alone to be of much tactical use.

Regardless of the merit of Marshall’s research, his description of men on the battlefield is a useful image for understanding the experience of Christian men as they seek to honor Christ in the real world. A lot of men expect the work of the devil to be obvious. They think that their inner resolve will be sufficient to keep them on the right track in the face of difficulties. They assume that their relationships with other Christians are strong enough to support them through suffering and temptation. They are like the first wave of British soldiers at the Somme who happily climbed out of their trenches thinking that the battle was under control. A lot of guys never foresee the degree to which weakness, fear, anxiety, and loneliness will grip them in the midst of affliction and leave them paralyzed or desiring to flee the frontline.

This naivety is why a lot of men do not invest in spiritual friendship. During comfortable phases of life, friendship feels like a luxury. ‘I can manage on my own’ is the unspoken conviction of men when skies are fair. But like the North Sea the conditions of life can change rapidly. A crisis strikes and suddenly men discover that no one knows them well enough to be of help. Or, just as pernicious, a more subtle drift occurs so that a man follows the deceitfulness of sin without there being anyone close enough to deliver a much needed rebuke. The consequences of this isolation can be devastating. Like people climbing out of the rubble after an earthquake, a lot of men wake up in their late 40s to the realization that that their wife is gone, their kids hate them, and that the BMW in the garage doesn’t fill the void. They are like drivers who have driven through the night not realizing a wrong turn was taken 500 miles back. If they had had someone in the passenger seat, the error might have been detected.

Interestingly, one of the chief recommendations of Marshall was to reorganize fighting units around what he called ‘fire-teams’. A fire-team consisted of a handful of soldiers who were careful to maintain communication and to protect each other’s’ backs. If set within such a group, men who otherwise hid from the face of battle found strength and courage to fulfill their assignments. Christians ought to ponder the spiritual implications of this observation.

Building Spiritual Friendship Part 3: Men, You need a Sparring Partner

There is a Saturday Night Live sketch worth watching on YouTube. A woman is fed up with her boyfriend and decides to take him to a ‘manpark’ where he can hang out and ‘play’ with other men. This is the sad condition of men in the modern world. Our loneliness is so obvious that it has become a satirical theme on late night comedy shows. Yet, in truth, the situation is anything but funny. There are multiple reasons why men in the 21st century are overwhelmed by anxiety, depression, anger, and addiction. Among them is an epidemic of loneliness that affects men – not only outside of the church – but also inside of it.

In this series of articles we are looking at different traits of spiritual friendship. The key idea is that, men don’t just need friends, they need spiritual friends. In other words, they need a quality of friendship that, not only fulfills some desire for companionship, but also spurs men along a path to spiritual maturity.

Now in order to get such spiritual encouragement, every Christian man should look for a friend who will be a kind of spiritual sparring partner. The image of a sparring partner is worth pausing to consider. It pulls together several ideas that will help men think about the nature of spiritual friendship.

First, a sparring partner is invested in the same sport. No one would go to a country club in order to find a sparring partner for the boxing ring. If someone is looking to improve as a boxer, there is one place he should go to find a sparring partner, a boxing gym.

The same is true spiritually. One of the key traits of spiritual friendship is that such friends are pursuing a common objective. The difference between mere friendship and spiritual friendship is that spiritual friends are seeking to grow spiritually. The activity they are committed to first and foremost is the pursuit of holiness.

Second, a sparring partner is someone who shares a weight class and, typically, is at a similar level of skill or development. One doesn’t usually stick a professional with an amateur. Sparring partners are matched because they are able to challenge each other at a similar level of proficiency.

There is a spiritual lesson to be learned from this. Although men need a variety of different types of relationships in their lives, there is something valuable about having a spiritual friend who is at a similar stage of spiritual growth. Such friends will be able to encourage one another in a different way than happens through coaching and mentorship. They will more readily identify with each other’s struggles and be able to feel the camaraderie of working through like challenges and temptations.

Third, a sparring partner is someone who is willing to challenge a man while always keeping his best interest in view. Whereas in a competition, a boxer is trying to knock out his opponent, while sparring, the goal is for each fighter to improve in skill and ability.

This touches upon a vital aspect of spiritual friendship. Spiritual friends are not playing a zero-sum game in which, for ‘me’ to win, ‘you’ must lose. On the contrary, the ideal of spiritual friendship is for each friend to achieve as much growth as possible. If a spiritual friend sees transformation occurring in the life of another man, he does not feel frustration or envy. Rather, he rejoices at every indication of growth. The ultimate goal of spiritual friendship is not for ‘me’ to be champion of the world, but for each friend to advance as far as possible to the fullness and stature of Christ – who is, after all, the indisputable champion of the world.

For more thoughts on how to find a friend who will be a sparring partner, listen to the Cross Training podcast episode here:

Building Spiritual Friendship Part 2: Men, You Need a Friend Who Is a Lie-Detective

We’re all professional hypocrites. It’s one of the most important skills that we develop in the social world.

It’s worth recalling that the word hypocrite comes from a very old Greek word that referred to wearing a mask. In ancient Greece, actors always wore masks when they were on stage. This is why they were called ‘hypocrites’. To be an actor was to be a mask-wearer. This was Jesus’ indictment against the Pharisees. They were hypocrites because, for all intents and purposes, they went about Israel pretending to be one thing (righteous, holy, pious, law-keepers), but in actuality being something else (selfish, greedy, proud, lustful).

Now everyone in the modern world is a mask-wearer (and I’m not just talking about the cloth kind!). If we are honest, we have to wear masks. Just imagine what would happen if a typical man showed up at work on a Monday expressing on his face everything that he felt inside his heart. What if he simply allowed his frustration, exhaustion, or shame to be unleased like a flood on everyone he met at the office or on the construction site? At best, his colleagues would avoid him. At worst, he’d lose his job.

But there is an even deeper problem than the necessity of being a mask-wearer in public space. The truth is that most of the people we label friends actually prefer the fake ‘me’ to the real ‘me’. Anyone who doubts this can try a simple experiment. Next time someone at church or in the workplace asks the question, ‘How are you?’ answer honestly. Take a minute and pour out some of the sewage that is flowing through your heart. The shock and discomfort on the face of the other person will say everything you need to know. More than likely, like billboard their face will express a simple message: too much information.

Men, we need to recognize both facets of the problem: (1) we’re far too comfortable in our masks and (2) very few people care enough about us to want to see the naked truth of our lives.

The Importance of Having a Friend Who Is a Lie-Detective

As Christians, we need to realize that the stakes of this problem are much more significant than making friends and influencing people. Mask-wearing is not just a psychological or social illness. It’s a high-risk spiritual liability. The truth is that every man is in a life-or-death battle with Satan, temptation, and sinful passions warring against our souls (1 Pet. 2:11). To wear a mask is to live in a kind of spiritual darkness – the exact conditions where sin and Satan do their dirtiest work. Therefore, we need our masks to come off for one, most significant reason: ‘God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship while we walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth’ (I Jn. 1:5-6). At the end of the day, we can lie to our boss; we can lie to our pastor; we can even lie to ourselves. But we cannot lie to God. He sees the truth of our lives regardless of how good at acting we are before the eyes of men. And as John says so clearly, we cannot have fellowship with God if we are living in the darkness.

So, what can we do to overcome our habit of mask-wearing? One of the most important steps we can take is to find a friend who is a lie-detective. There are three primary traits that identify such a friend.

First, this is friend who cares enough about me to want to see beneath my mask. He wants to spend time with me, not just because I’m funny on the golf course, but because he cares about my soul.

Second, this is a friend who can detect when I am putting on my mask. He can spot the discrepancy between the superficial and the real, and he is unwilling to ignore the tension.

Third, this is a friend who has sufficient courage and interest to ask questions that force me to take off my mask and communicate the real self who is trying to hide in darkness. Just as God used questions to summon Adam out of his hiding place, this friend pulls me out of the darkness by asking good questions and sifting the answers.

Such a spiritual friend is a lie-detective. Every Christian man needs to make sure that he has at least one of these in his band of brothers.

For more insight on how to find a friend who is a lie-detective, listen to episode 2 of season 1 of the Cross Training podcast.

Building Spiritual Friendship Part 1: Men, You Need a Complacency Cop in Your Life

Here is a dilemma: most men know that they need better friendships; however, they aren’t quite sure what kind of friendship to look for. On the one hand, they feel the shallowness of their relationships with other guys. On the other, they’ve never experienced anything more than a friendship based on watching football or working together on a construction site.

In truth, this is more than a dilemma; it’s a problem. If men don’t have a clear blueprint of spiritual friendship, inevitably, they are going to struggle to build one. There is a reason that IKEA furniture is so popular. If you purchase a bookshelf from the store, it comes with clear instructions on how to assemble it. Men need something similar for friendship. They need someone to do two things for them: (1) outline a concrete picture of what a spiritual friend is and (2) give them practical instruction on how to build a friendship based on more than mutual regard for Tom Brady. 

Over the next few months Cross Training Ministries is going to fill this gap. Through podcasts and blog posts, we are going to set up ordinary Christian guys so that they have a better understanding of what spiritual friendship is and clear next steps regarding how to shift from merely hitting golf balls together to sharing life together as a spiritual band of brothers.

Spiritual Apathy Is Too Dangerous to Ignore

Apathy is a major problem among Christian men. We are all afflicted with three related conditions. The first is spiritual atrophy. Left to ourselves, motivation naturally wanes over time. We get excited about doing Bible study or learning to be a better father/husband. Yet, it doesn’t take long for our excitement to go flat. After a few months – even a few weeks – we settle back into old ruts.

The second is spiritual inertia. Inertia is the physical law that says that stationary objects tend to stay stationary unless some external force is applied to them. The realm of the spiritual is a lot like the physical. Unless guys find some outside impetus to prod them out of complacency, their lethargy will settle into a stable disposition.

This leads to a third trait of apathy, spiritual indifference. The scary thing about apathy is that often, when apathetic, guys are fully aware of the condition, but unconcerned about it. They are more interested in watching the next big game or purchasing a new bbq grill than finding a way to fire up the engines of their hearts.

To Combat Apathy, Men Need a Complacency Cop

In order to overcome apathy, men need to find a friend who is willing to be a complacency cop in their lives. It may seem strange to imagine a friend playing the role of a ‘policeman.’ However, there are a few traits of a policeman that are useful for pushing a friendship beyond the normal boundaries of my-joy-is-to-affirm-you.

One is that a policeman never needs an invitation to confront a dangerous situation. If a policeman sees someone starting an uncontrolled fire in the front yard, he will stop and ask questions. We need a friend he has the same courage and instincts. If we are honest, spiritual apathy is a lot more dangerous than fire. Fire only destroys physical structures. Apathy has potential to destroy the soul. Therefore, men need friends who are unafraid to step in and ask questions if there the smoke of complacency is evident.

In fact, we can go a step beyond this. If we are serious about desiring an earnest life of discipleship, we need friends in our lives who – not only accidentally stumble upon signs of spiritual slothfulness – but who actively patrol for evidence of an apathetic heart. If we don’t show up to church for several weeks, we need a friend who will investigate. If we are being harsh and bitter toward our wives and children, we want a loving sheriff who will step in and ask what’s going wrong.

How to Find a Friend Who Is Willing to Be a Complacency Cop

Two simple pieces of instruction here. The first is to make friendship itself a talking point with Christian friends. Friendship is seldom an object of conversation among men. Like the sun in the sky, or the ground beneath our feet, we take friendship for granted. It’s just something there, not something we exert any energy discussing together. If guys want deeper friendships, this needs to change. A good first step toward finding a complacency cop is talking with Christian friends about (1) the danger of apathy and (2) how to build structures of accountability whereby we can protect each other from the inertia/indifference of an apathetic heart.

A second piece of advice is to periodically use a set of accountability questions to check-in on one another. In most cases, if we want to getter better answers, we need to ask better questions. A good set of accountability questions will help illumine dark corners of the heart so that otherwise hidden evidence of apathy is exposed and analyzed.

For more on the topic of finding a complacency cop, listen to the Cross Training podcast

What is a Spiritual Friend?

In Season 1 of our podcast we are giving you 10 marks of a Spiritual Friend. Subscribe now and catch a vision of life outside of isolation.