This is the tenth and final segment on spiritual friendship. Throughout the whole of this podcast series and set of blogposts, there has been one undiagnosed assumption that has the potential to corrupt everything that has been said. This is the assumption that spiritual friendship is a life-hack that can help me live my best life now. Or, to put things differently, it is the belief that spiritual friendship is something I can use to advance my own pre-determined agenda in life. Whether we admit the truth or not, all of us are consumers. The default settings of the modern mind are (1) to view the self as the center of the universe and (2) to view the universe as one big Amazon store that the self can use to cushion its existence.
To escape such narcissism, we need to flip the script thus far. In other words, the best way to end a series on spiritual friendship is not to think of yet another custom option that I would like select in the people around me, but rather to think of spiritual friendship as a set of virtues (moral qualities) in which I myself would like to grow. Rather than ask the question, ‘How do I find people who fit my criteria for spiritual friendship?’ we need instead to ask, ‘How do I become the kind of person who can be a spiritual friend for others around me?’
Ancient thinkers like Aristotle and Cicero often discussed friendship as a virtue. In describing friendship in this way, they were making the point that, like courage, or self-control, or wisdom, friendship was a specific human skill that was both able to be cultivated and worthy of hard work. For them, a man did not go out into the world and shop for perfect friends like he might shop for a perfect pair of shoes. Such an attitude would be a symptom of vice, not virtue. The quest of friendship was not about picking a perfect team, but becoming a more perfect man. The key concern was this: How do I grow in the underlying aptitudes that enable me to be a friend to others while also receiving the friendship that others offer me?
If all of this sounds a bit philosophical, here is an image to make things simpler. A lot of men view themselves as if they are the running back on a football team. Their lives are devoted to racking up as many yards and touchdowns as possible, while welcoming any good publicity and incentives that correspond to their success.
It’s easy to view spiritual friendship in this way. In the eyes of a running back, the purpose of the rest of the team is to clear the way so that ‘I’ can advance the ball as far as possible. Friends are like offensive linemen. Their job is to inspire me, support me, and help me in my march toward the endzone.
Yet, to think this way is to distort friendship. A spiritual friend is not someone who views himself as a running back, but someone who views himself as a fullback. The job of the fullback is not to rack up statistics for himself, but to do whatever he can to help others. If he can throw a block to keep the quarterback from being sacked, he takes the hit. If he can clear a hole for the running back to get through the defensive line, he lays out his body. The mindset of a fullback is not, ‘What can others do for me?’ but ‘What can I do for others?’ There is nothing consumeristic in his attitude. His job is to serve, not to be served.
Understanding this, we can appreciate why Jesus is the perfect model of the virtue of friendship. In his own words, Jesus said, ‘Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends’ (John 15:13). Jesus did not walk around Palestine looking for an ideal band of brothers. Rather, he went out to find men for whom he could model commitment, patience, and steadfast love, men for whom he could teach the nature of true friendship.
A lot of men have been listening to this podcast series with a nagging question on their minds. They have been asking, ‘How on earth do I find other men who fit the criteria of spiritual friendship?’ It’s time to recognize that this is the wrong question to ask. A better question is this: ‘How do I become the kind of man who can invite other guys into spiritual friendship?’ Don’t operate with the mindset of a running back. Instead, look for ways to be a fullback for the guys around you.
‘For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many’ (Mark 10:45).