While discussing spiritual friendship there has been one elephant in the room, which has not yet been identified or addressed – namely, the topic of marriage. A thoughtful listener of the podcast season will have felt a nagging question after each episode: what does all of this mean for my relationship with my wife? This is a question that merits reflection. It can be broken down into four related questions, each of which deserves individual treatment.
Question 1 – Should my wife be a spiritual friend?
Yes, yes, and yes. Guys who are married need to know that spiritual friendship begins with their spouses. Marriage is a unique relationship that involves in-built commitment, transparency, intimacy, and accountability. No marriage is achieving its fulfilment if it falls short of spiritual friendship. A marriage should not feel like a contractual agreement among roommates. Rather, as Paul teaches in Ephesians, a marriage should be a school in which spouses gain fluency in the lessons of agape love. How, after all, could a man love his wife as Christ loves the church without unlocking his heart to her and allowing her to explore the most intimate chambers of his heart?
Question 2 – If my wife is already a spiritual friend, do I still need other male spiritual friends?
Absolutely. No contractor would build a house with a single load-bearing wall. The structure would collapse. Equally, no wise man will build his life on one spiritual friendship. Life is too dangerous for such shortsightedness. Although the following point may not be politically correct, it is true: men relate to men differently than men relate to women. This means that men should seek out spiritual friendship with their wives while at the same time seeking out such friendships with other men.
Question 3 – Will developing spiritual friendship among men be a threat to my marriage?
Friendship is not a zero-sum game, and love is not a finite commodity. Developing spiritual friendships with men does not need to detract from a man’s relationship with his wife.
In fact, rather than being a threat to marriage, having spiritual friendships with men is a protection for marriage. This is true for two main reasons. First, there are certain temptations that are difficult to discuss with one’s spouse. Lust is a prime example of this. It will be far more helpful for a man to confess and repent of his struggle with lust among other men than to force his wife to hear every instance of such temptation.
Second, no marriage is immune from attack. Men who only invest in their wives as spiritual friends have no one to turn to when the marriage itself is under pressure and cracking. Thus, rather than seeing spiritual friendship with men as a liability to marriage, we should view it as an asset. A male spiritual friend will be able to help in that moment when I am emotionally separated from my wife due to some sinful passion or bitter argument.
What do I do if my marriage doesn’t live up to the ideals of spiritual friendship?
Everything said during this podcast series is as relevant for marriage as for spiritual friendship among men. Go back through the episodes, but with a shift in perspective. Rather than listening to think about applications for your band of brothers, think instead of applications for your marriage.
Yet, more than anything else, ponder the following point: you will only get out of your marriage what you put into your marriage. Spiritual friendship does not emerge haphazardly. If you want to deepen your relationship with your wife, think strategically and make sacrifices. Never forget that your wife is your first and most important spiritual friend. Invest in that relationship and the reward will be incalculable.