Let’s confront a bias regarding spiritual friendship. Deep down, most of us assume that spiritual friends are boring people. As soon as we hear the label, we think of pious members of an adult Sunday school class who look as if they came from the same litter as Mr. Rogers. Such people amaze us for their spiritual discipline, knowledge of the Bible, and commitment to holiness. There is just one problem: They aren’t much fun. It’s one thing to each chicken tetrazzini with them during a church potluck. But, given a spare ticket, who would think of inviting them to a big game?
We need to overcome this bias. The truth is that a spiritual friend ought to be someone that you can laugh with, someone you can cry with, and someone you would choose to invite on a long drive.
Let’s start with laughter. Laughter is a unique tool that God has given human beings. It does two things. First, it glues individual hearts into a community. The more a random set of people laugh together, the closer they will feel. There is nothing like a few jokes to shake off the awkwardness of being strangers and to launch the process of becoming friends.
But, second, humor is a file that smooths the sharp edges of pride. There is a reason why men engage in so much banter. One of the great threats to group cohesion is a sense of superiority. The feeling that I-am-better-than-you risks upsetting the level ground that is the basis of friendship. What humor does is to cut down the pedestals that men might use to look down on their friends. Thus, when a guy gets made fun of for being too intellectual, or caring too much about his looks, what the group is really doing is cutting him back down to size. They are sending him a reminder that, to be a part of this group, no one is allowed to take himself too seriously.
Yet, a spiritual friend should also be someone you can cry with – or at least someone with whom you can be honest about suffering and pain. The problem with Mr. Rogers is not just that he seems too pious to enjoy a joke; it is equally that he seems too childish to empathize with acute pain. Spiritual friends are not grown-ups pretending to be children. Life is hard, and suffering is inevitable. Genuine spiritual friends are the kind of people that, on the one hand, you’d tailgate with before a championship game and, on the other, you’d choose to sit beside you while waiting to hear a gut-wrenching diagnosis.
Finally, a real spiritual friend is someone you would choose to have beside you on a long drive. Conversation is one of the great joys of life – a prize more difficult to find than many realize. It’s easy to sit quietly and listen to the radio. It’s also easy to have inane chit chat about meaningless topics. But conversation is a special gift. In conversation, ideas are tested, avenues of thought explored, and insights gleaned. Time flies when having fun; it moves even faster when having heart-felt conversation.
So, then, is spiritual friendship boring? Not at all. The guys who are most bored are the guys who do not have spiritual friends.