How many hours does it take to make a friend? This is a question most will struggle to answer. A study done by the University of Kansas provides clarity. The study indicates that it takes about 50 hours of time together to move from being an acquaintance to becoming a casual friend; 90 hours to shift from a casual friendship to a deeper one; and more than 200 hours to enter a stage of what might be labeled ‘close friendship.’
Now these findings raise a difficult question: how can modern guys who have jobs, families, church responsibilities, and a never ending ‘honey-do’ list find the surplus hours needed to develop close friendships with other men? The truth is that a lot of guys hunger for friendship. We watch war movies and long for the kind of camaraderie that our grandfathers experienced on the battlefield. The problem is not desire, but opportunity. It’s hard to be a part-time Uber driver for two children while also clocking the hours needed to have friends, much less spiritual friends.
Here are three bits of advice for guys who are wrestling with this question.
First, realize that not having time for friends is typically a structural problem. Let me be clear what I mean by ‘structural problem.’ A lot of guys buy into a myth of infinite energy. They think that they can always do more – that the can always squeeze one more activity onto the calendar. As a result of this self-deceit, they are always running on empty. Life is a game of trying to travel 500 miles on a tank of gas that is only intended to carry you half that distance.
This means that developing friendship is as much about taking things off the calendar as putting things on. We need to have the honesty to admit that we can’t do everything and the resolve to prioritize our lives according to what is most significant. It’s hard to think of many things in life that are more important than having spiritual friends.
Second, we need to turn off our TVs. One of the saddest aspects of modern Western life is the degree to which people are willing to substitute the real for the virtual. We sit back and tell ourselves that we don’t have 50 hours to invest in a friendship while happily binge-watching season after season of TV shows that (here is the depressing irony) celebrate the joys of friendship. Guys, ask the question: what do you want – 100 hours of watching close friendships on TV, or friendships that bear the fruits of 100 hours? You can’t have both. Choose deliberately.
Finally, learn a simple rule regarding your smartphone. Modern tech is wonderful for keeping up friendships at a distance but terrible for maintaining friendships up close. Don’t mistake sending funny texts irregularly for having conversations in-person. If you value spiritual friendship, make time to meet up in-person. There is no substitute for time spent in the presence of a close friend.
For more on this topic, listen to the frequent flyer episode of the Cross Training podcast.